Ang hirap talaga pag hindi ka sanay sa isang lugar. Walang mapagkuwentuhan... walang makausap... walang mapagsabihan... walang mapagkatiwalaan.
Ilang beses ko ng dinanas ang ganitong sitwasyon... mula pa nung bata palipat-lipat na ako at ang pamilya ko sa iba't ibang lugar. I was born in Paranaque, raised in Las Pinas... brought up back in Paranaque... Matured in Manila and Quezon City and then now living here in Makati...
Nung mga unang beses akong nalilipat... parang wala lang... bata pa kasi ako noon... mas naging problema pa ako sa parents ko noon kesa ako ang mamroblema sa paglilipat. Pero habang tumatagal... narerealize ko na ang dulot ng laging naglilipat... naiiwan ko ang mga kaibigan ko... pag bago ka... kailangan mong magpakabibo para makilala ka... build up ng samahan sa mga kapit-bahay... makikisama... tapos... lilipat ulit... paulit-ulit na proseso... nakakapagod pero kailangang gawin.
Pero sa ngayon... iba na ang sitwasyon... salamat nalang at naging permanente na kami sa paranaque... pero ako naman ang hindi na muling namalagi...
2000 - I finally graduated from high-school... and yes, with flying colors... medyo geeky kasi ako nung high school eh... and that's why i decided na pag nagcollege na ako... babaguhin ko na ang buhay ko... i'll start to live life to the fullest. And actually i did... after long wait i was finally doing things that i only imagined way back in high school... got a circle of trusting friend... a loving best friend... and a special someone... pero, masyado akong naging masaya... masyadong mataas ang lipad ko, kaya... blag! Dahil sa isang di ko inaasahang pagkakataon... gumuho ang mundo ko... right there and then the inferior side of me took over... i have to go... i have to leave this treacherous place... after the second semester, i transferred school... walang pasabi... walang paalam... wala.
2001 - Tabula Rasa. Walang nangyari sa summer vacation ko, naubos sa pag-eenroll sa bagong eskwelahan at... pag-iisip... pagbura sa mga masasamang alaala, at pagsisimulang muli... Makalipas ang isang taon, dalawa, tatlo... muli na akong nakabangon... mga bagong kaibigan... mga bagong kakilala... sa tagal ng panahon nagawa kong mapatawad ang mga dating nagtraydor sakin... muli kaming naging magkaibigan... pero hanggang doon nalang... Ngunit dahil sa pagpapatawad na iyon... nagawa kong buksan muli ang sarili ko sa ibang tao... bagong buhay... bagong puso... bagong pagmamahal... pero... bagong pagkabigo... dahil sa kataksilan... masakit... hindi ko maipaliwanag... pero ang alam ko masakit...
2005 - Changement d'horizon. Ayoko muna... naisuko ko na ang lahat... kailangan ko na uling lumipat... iwan na ang dati... I decided to work...
2006 - i was exposed to the life of the dark... vampiric soul corrupted my body to live oppositely from being normal... i found solace... i found abode... finally... but then there are lots like me... and slowly... i found friends... individuals you could count on... people whom you could trust... love... and show the real you... but then again... for how long?... if they are your friends because they are someone who earned your trust, if they destroyed it... would it be the time for you to let them go... As for now... I don't have the answers... i am now lurking on the deepest and darkest part of this world and only one thing in hand... confusion... I needed help... but where could I go to...
...through the blood we have and the body to which it flows.
Friday, November 17, 2006
... piniritong patatas.
je suis saignement... je suis hurted... je vous recherchais... je recherchais la solitude... mais je ne peux pas vous trouver... là où êtes vous... j'ai besoin de vous... alors je vous ai vu... rire... tenant le couteau qui m'a poignardé... j'étais saignement... j'étais hurted... mais il n'est pas en raison du couteau... mais en raison de la réalité... vous êtes celui la tenant... mon ami d'Elf... comment avez osé vous... comment avez osé vous...
... baliw.
Have you ever felt so torn... not because you are hurted emotionally, or someone left you and made you cry... but torn in the sense that you are havin' great difficulty deciding on something. Having contradicting thoughts, opposing feelings and separate ideas...
Well it has been a fact to my friends that i am indeed suffering from MPD (multiple personality disorder)... well not as drastic as the one in Sydney Sheldon's Tell Me Your Dreams where the main character was not aware of the two very different individual, created by her trauma, living inside her. But as for me... I have MPD in a sense that whenever a predicament is facing me... two opposing ideas formulates in my mind... and if that is not complicated enough... those two ideas always have the same reason!... confused? let me simplify... I love you because i'm with you... but i hate you because i'm always with you... huh?... i hate this day... grr... la me sense ngaun... nxt time na nga...
Well it has been a fact to my friends that i am indeed suffering from MPD (multiple personality disorder)... well not as drastic as the one in Sydney Sheldon's Tell Me Your Dreams where the main character was not aware of the two very different individual, created by her trauma, living inside her. But as for me... I have MPD in a sense that whenever a predicament is facing me... two opposing ideas formulates in my mind... and if that is not complicated enough... those two ideas always have the same reason!... confused? let me simplify... I love you because i'm with you... but i hate you because i'm always with you... huh?... i hate this day... grr... la me sense ngaun... nxt time na nga...
Thursday, November 16, 2006
... nag-iisa, naguguluhan, umaasa.
no update yesterday, i got sick... well technically speaking (and for the likes of me) suffering for deep laziness is like having a disease... failure to do things that you oughtta do and forgetting those things that should have been prioritized... yeah, i was suffering.Anyway... lots have happened... or so I thought... leads on our call flow evolved from bad to worse... and our quotta remained the same... haaay... its as if we could just sigh and do the verification afterwards(we are not Vic Carlos you know!)
Well if you're askin' for my daily "sooo deep questions" well here it is:
1st: How can a girl put so much effort on hooking up with a guy and then decided that she was not ready afterwards?
2nd: How could someone say that he/she love somebody and wake up one day realizing he/she loves someone else?
3rd: And; when will you know if saying enough is enough?
Well even before i try to answer these questions, hear me out first of this glimpse of a thing i call life...
person one: hey... what's wrong?...
person two: nothing.
one: then why are you so quiet?
two: do i need a reason for me to be quiet...
one: not really... but you're not like that... i'm just worried...
two: and did i asked you to be?
one: do you really have to be so cold?
two: ....
one: its not my fault if your feeling sad... but it is your fault that i am now!
two: you wouldn't understand...
one: how can i if you would not let me understand
two: i wanna be alone...
one: you're sad because you're alone...
two: because nobody wants to be with me...
one: i'm here.
two: no... you're different...
one: (sniff) because i'm no body...
two: ...
one: ...and just like what you said... 'NOBODY' wants to be with you... and you hate it...
two: no...
one: ... you hate nobody... me... being with you...
Sad? but it happens... now i ask you? who would you rather be?... person one? or two?
-well its in the nature of females to be flirty but not like males that they could stand to what they express... and anyone could change feelings even to their partner who lasted for some years because people are bound to be realistic, and as painful as it is true that anyone could tell you that you are his/her thumbler of frap and wake up one day and decided that you are no longer their cup of coffee... and there is no such thing as thing as enough... only death is the end of everything... but then again... maybe not...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
... alaala.
tama na ang saya, balik na sa problema.
How many times have I ponder in life that it is unfair...
I remember a line on one of my poems before that best describe how i feel as of the moment:
"...How could this be, I can't hardly believe; That such things happen, such things do exists... But who am I to counter... the strands of fate that is given, To me by life, this predicament I've been having..."
That is when I realize,... parepareho lang tayong lahat... may kanya-kanyang problema... at kanya-kanyang pamamaraan ng pagresolba ng mga ito... it just so happen that some are good in forgetting problems and thus, in some way, surpassing it... and some are good in facing it, and arriving to resolution. But, i have to admit, there would come a time that all defenses are breached... all forms of evasion are useless... then, those are the times where you can find me... lurking alone... contemplating about life...Just within the past 72 hours I saw a glimpse of my life... full of people, roaming around chatting, goofing around... relaxing after a days work... sounds fun right... but then again... it stops there... yes, my life stops there.Maybe you are having difficulty seeing my point... well allow me to simplify it to the best I can, for honestly I myself is having difficulty undestanding the situation...
Let's start with this question... how is it possible for someone to be alone when infact you are surrounded with people?... how could someone say that life is so unfair if at the very start, life is given to us without anything in return? Or how come someone would try to ruin something so great just to start over and create another good thing?... well the answer to those questions was left unsaid until within the past 72 hours...After the grand party last saturday I came to realize the answers... Being alone is not having no one around... but not having someone... Life is so unfair for others just for the sole reason that it's not coming to be the one they plan it to be... And somethings are good for a while but not forever, thus the continuous search for something good to last for a lifetime shall go on... all of these are dependent on the person experiencing it... whether good or bad would be the outcome... all would be and stay just as a memory... a lesson... for us to grow and go on with life... well as for me... Hmmm, I'm clueless... but that's the beauty of it, right...
How many times have I ponder in life that it is unfair...
I remember a line on one of my poems before that best describe how i feel as of the moment:
"...How could this be, I can't hardly believe; That such things happen, such things do exists... But who am I to counter... the strands of fate that is given, To me by life, this predicament I've been having..."
That is when I realize,... parepareho lang tayong lahat... may kanya-kanyang problema... at kanya-kanyang pamamaraan ng pagresolba ng mga ito... it just so happen that some are good in forgetting problems and thus, in some way, surpassing it... and some are good in facing it, and arriving to resolution. But, i have to admit, there would come a time that all defenses are breached... all forms of evasion are useless... then, those are the times where you can find me... lurking alone... contemplating about life...Just within the past 72 hours I saw a glimpse of my life... full of people, roaming around chatting, goofing around... relaxing after a days work... sounds fun right... but then again... it stops there... yes, my life stops there.Maybe you are having difficulty seeing my point... well allow me to simplify it to the best I can, for honestly I myself is having difficulty undestanding the situation...
Let's start with this question... how is it possible for someone to be alone when infact you are surrounded with people?... how could someone say that life is so unfair if at the very start, life is given to us without anything in return? Or how come someone would try to ruin something so great just to start over and create another good thing?... well the answer to those questions was left unsaid until within the past 72 hours...After the grand party last saturday I came to realize the answers... Being alone is not having no one around... but not having someone... Life is so unfair for others just for the sole reason that it's not coming to be the one they plan it to be... And somethings are good for a while but not forever, thus the continuous search for something good to last for a lifetime shall go on... all of these are dependent on the person experiencing it... whether good or bad would be the outcome... all would be and stay just as a memory... a lesson... for us to grow and go on with life... well as for me... Hmmm, I'm clueless... but that's the beauty of it, right...
... manok at uwak.
KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG PARTY LAST SATURDAY! HUH! ang saya sobra... may mga hassle moments lang ng konti pero i'm sure nag enjoy ang F4 (Aizah, Tim, Alvin, Nikki... wala ng iba)
Aizah... of course enjoy na enjoy ang lola mo... isa lang masasabi ko... kamusta naman ang yayang gagamba?
Nikki... well kahit BoBoBoBo - Bongles Bongles(kapag nagsasalita na sa ingles) na Bonggang Bongga... well at least ngaun ang reason behind is because sobrang saya nya
Alvin... masaya naman sya as far as i notice... sa dami nyang nalaman hmmm...
Ako... well, hmmm... kembang lang!... dami ko rin nainom... nalasing tlga me... nag solo pa kami ni nikki before sa party (ang detail nxt time nalang)... tuwa me kasi kulit na ng mga tao, bangenge na lahat... tapos dami pa food... yung bonggang bonggang bicol express ni Nikki (at pagsubo mo sakin ng kutsakutsarang bagoong... gusto mo na tlga me mamatay no!), ung bar-b-que nila hongki, na di man lang inabot ng lampas isang oras eh todas na! at syempre ang litsong manok ni Reifmon... tama ba namang mag dala ng 5 litsong manok... sige at magpakalunod tau sa manok... and mind you, those chickens are all over the place... tama ba Mr. Chua?... kamusta naman ang ating alagang uwak? literally and subjectively, ng dahil sa uwak... nag kalat ang mga manok! hahahahaha.
... impostor.
Simula nanaman ng bagong linggo... bagong blog... bagong trabaho... bagong quotta, bagong baldugan... pero parehong leads... haay hassle...
Sige, tama ba tong ginagawa ko... nag ta type ng entry ko sa blog habang nag aabang ng next lead... pero kembang(ok) lang... la naman akong ibang ginagawa.
Gabi na me nakabalik ng boarding haws... napasarap yung pagge game boy ko sa bahay eh... hehehehe - kamusta naman ang pagkatok ko sa bahay namin dahil tinulugan ako ni Alvin Green... badtrip pa naman ako nung mga panahon na... paano ba naman... what're the odds na may makakasabay ka sa jeep na parehong pareho kau ng shades AT kwintas... haggard, nagkatinginan pa kami... shocked pareho... syempre automatic me, agad akong nagtakip ng leeg para naman matakpan kahit ang kwintas lang... kainis! Impostor! Impostor!
Sige, tama ba tong ginagawa ko... nag ta type ng entry ko sa blog habang nag aabang ng next lead... pero kembang(ok) lang... la naman akong ibang ginagawa.
Gabi na me nakabalik ng boarding haws... napasarap yung pagge game boy ko sa bahay eh... hehehehe - kamusta naman ang pagkatok ko sa bahay namin dahil tinulugan ako ni Alvin Green... badtrip pa naman ako nung mga panahon na... paano ba naman... what're the odds na may makakasabay ka sa jeep na parehong pareho kau ng shades AT kwintas... haggard, nagkatinginan pa kami... shocked pareho... syempre automatic me, agad akong nagtakip ng leeg para naman matakpan kahit ang kwintas lang... kainis! Impostor! Impostor!